"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)Some back story: I have been a full-time employed (outside of the home) working mom, I have been a part-time employed (outside of the home) working mom, and I have been a stay-at-home mom who tinkers on the side with side jobs, doing what I can to provide financially. I am currently in that last category and had been doing a little bit of regular work for a former employer. They recently offered the chance to continue, which really was an amazing and almost too perfect opportunity...but then summer came and I couldn't find a reliable sitter and we spoke of continuing in the fall once the oldest started school and I had but one little babe to worry about. Well a few weeks into summer break I was able to nail down plans for the little one and spoke to my former employer and excitedly told them that I had childcare all covered and would be willing to start back up as soon as school started...then they back pedaled. That morning I sat on the couch, the sting of rejection very fresh and real. And I prayed (and cut out cow spots for dress like a cow day at chick-fil-a) and kept praying, well more or less talked to God, like He was sitting right beside me. During this talk, the idea of a blog formed in my head, which due to my prior three attempts, I quickly pushed aside. However, try as I might, the idea began to grow and I began to wonder what God could do with it. I was in such a vulnerable spot, seeking to be used, wanting God's guidance in my life. I still am. I desire to follow God's plan...I know His path is what's best for me...but sometimes, I need really. big. road signs! So I asked for a sign...in particular, for the friend that I would be seeing within the next hour (for our free chicken of course!) to say the word blog. That was it.
I hate that my faith wavers and I feel that I need to ask for a sign. I don't want to test God, it's like my brain is betting against my heart. But I asked and then hurried up to get my little cows all dressed up and ready for a surprise lunch with friends. While the kids were eating, we moms began to talk and in the midst of it all, she made a matter of fact statement, "if you would start your blog, I would read it." So there is was, not just the word blog, but really a challenge. I shook my head in disbelief and then kids were squealing and the moment was gone. Later on that day I began to think on it and the doubt began to form...and continued to manifest for the next few days. I doubted the honesty of the statement, not that she would not read it, she is true to her word and a beautiful friend to me, but more that I pulled it out of her. I had been talking about a mom blog/Instagram that I follow earlier in our conversation which led to me talking about kinda being awestruck when I met her the weekend before. I felt that I had lined the topics up and began to discredit what God had done. I felt like Gideon...wanting to test God again and say, well do it again, but this time have it be a random person I do not know give me that same nugget of encouragement.
A few days passed and still uncertain of what had all conspired, I dove in to this blog world, led by faith. The afternoon was a perfect and super constructive blur. We swam and had lunch by the pool with friends, came home, kids went to quiet time, I made a salad, opened the computer, and prayed. The words flowed quickly out of me. My heart just opened up and my fingers flew across the keyboard. The post was raw and uncut and definitely not one I would be posting first. I then went about setting up a blogger page...made a cover image, changed the layout a little and was done. Before closing up for the afternoon, I compiled an email to that friend...explained what had really happened that afternoon, what roll she had played in a part of my life that is currently being written, how God had used her. I included the post and sought her feedback, and what she sent me back that evening was full of such wisdom, encouragement and beautiful poise...which honestly, is what I would use to describe her.
She told me that signs can be very blatant and the destination is clear, while others are inconspicuous and are the first of many down a long narrow and winding road that you must take to get to a destination not yet known. She also spoke of God's wisdom in the timing of things and the fact the He is a relational God and that is what we should also strive for...relationships. But it was really her final words that brought clarity and understanding and tears...she told me that she believes that God is fashioning my heartbeat to match His, that my dreams were coming from His dreams, and to run with it. How beautiful is that to think about...to have dreams and desires and know that those just might be the same ones that our Father has for you as well. I encourage you to ask God today or tomorrow or this week, to help align your will to His...that His dreams will become your dreams...and that you will have the faith to see yourself as He sees you.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4 (ESV)
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