still waiting.

As I sat praying, I couldn't ignore what was bubbling up inside of me.  The nudge to pick up the metaphorical pen again...to continue what has been stirring inside of me for years...yet the words that were coming to mind seemed so familiar.  I've had this talk with God before...yet here I am again, apparently in need of a refresher.

I can't remember a time that I wasn't impatient about something.  Often it's about the things that I somehow think that I can control, not things that are definite and given to happen (i.e. holidays, events).  I am also a perfectionist and driven by pleasing others and hearing/seeing their praise. At thirty years old some would think that I should have moved past this and matured...unfortunately for those around me...I think that I have only gotten worse.  Now that the I am more of a full-time mom and in the workforce sporadically, I find that I am seeking praise and approval more and that my self esteem is shrinking.  I used to be driven to create these large scale events and serve the public; where the success of my events were noted in the number of people who attended and the thank-yous that would be relayed by staff.  It's hard to feel successful when the fruits of my labor may not be seen until my kids have matured and are on their own, going off to college, entering the workforce, starting their own families, etc. 

In my search for filling the void that the workforce has left behind, I find myself trying lots of things out, more or less throwing a bunch of things at a wall and seeing what will stick.  I am a maker, so I have participated in craft shows and listed things on etsy.  I have taught crafting classes to groups of women.  I have bought into a MLM company and tried my hand at sales.  I make cakes for friends and family when the need arises.  But nothing has really "stuck."   I find myself searching for that internet illusion...the mom that breaks through and creates a successful enterprise from her garage.  at naptime.  While I know that there are some self-made moms (and dads, teens, women, etc) out there, I think that the availability of so much information via the internet/facebook is causing people (or maybe just me) to feel inadequate in their own abilities.  I feel like a failure if my posts don't generate any comments, if my Instagram pictures don't get the number of likes that I think they should, if my sales are less than ideal, if my numbers are no where close to those that I see so many of my peers hitting.  I find that I am becoming discouraged and impatient and thus quitting many ventures because I wasn't successful from the onset. 

I look at this person that I have become and am ashamed.  These are not the character traits that I wish to instill in my daughters.  I know that this isn't a trait that my husband finds attractive.  And what does this say about my faith.  I felt the Lord speak to me, He gave me direction, and I wavered.  When I think back to what He said...it was never about success, I added that part in. 

So I will push through.

I know that He has a plan for my life.  A plan that looks much better that the one drawn up in my head.  I have prayed again and again to make that path clear for me.  Perhaps the only reason I am drawn to write, is to preach to myself and in doing that I am obedient to the Father and thus drawn closer to Him, then that will be enough. 

Craft With Me: {Old} Book Pumpkins

So something a little different on the ol' blog.  Aside from my deep thoughts and trying to make sense of the world we live in...I love to craft.  I particularly love to create something new from something we have since discarded or have no use for anymore.  

Enter that pile of paperback books that you swore that you would read again...

If you are not an effective hoarder or just can't bear to part with any of your treasured books (hey I've got shelves full that I dust from time to time)...you can get them pretty cheap at a thrift store (found some for .25 last time I went treasure hunting).

What you will need:

Paperback books 
1 inch wide paintbrush (or close to it)
Craft paint (I used Martha Stewart Craft Paint in Mace)
Sharpie 
Scissors
Bowl + a little water
Hot glue
Paperclips
Cinnamon sticks (twigs work fine too)
Twine (ribbon, yarn...)

Directions:

1.  Using a Sharpie, draw on the front cover of your book a half pumpkin shape...kind of like those paper hearts we used to make when we were kids, just not as pointy on the bottom if that makes sense.

2.  Using scissors (or an exacto knife), cut out your half pumpkin shape.  Continue to trace the pumpkin shape onto the book pages and keep on cutting!  Cut your pages in sections to save you some time.

3.  After the book is completely cut out, place your cinnamon

sticks/twigs on the spine, allowing some to show at the top of your book, then hot glue them in place.

4.  Fasten covers together.  I chose to glue my covers together, but if you want to store them from year to year, it will be easier to just attach with paperclips at the bottom of the pumpkin.

5.  Squirt some paint into your bowl and add a little water to thin it out.  Mix with your paintbrush and apply to the edges of the pages.  ***paint will spatter and accent anything nearby with little orange polka dots :)  And note my little helper there...while the scissors and hot glue were out of the question...painting she could handle. 

6.  After the pages dry, use extra paperclips and clip any pages together that may not have fanned out.  Again, for aesthetics sake, use paperclips towards the bottom of the pumpkin.

7.  Tie twine/ribbon/yarn around your cinnamon stick stem.

8.  These can stand alone or be placed in bunches...either way, they are sure to add instant fall inspired cuteness to any space.

***If you don't want to see the brush strokes on all the page and perhaps eliminate some of the paint splatter, skip steps 3 & 4 and move right to painting the book page edges.  Once your pages are dry or close to it, go back and do steps 3 & 4, and then finish up with steps 6-8.

Hope that you have fun with this one!  It's super easy and pretty hard to mess up...which is my favorite kind of crafting.  

God Speaks

Have you ever heard from God?  Have your heard His sweet words of affection?  A quiet nudge of direction?  Or that gentle voice of correction?  In one of our recent home/care groups we dove into the topic of "hearing from God".  And friends, let me tell you that it pushed me.  We talked about the myriad of ways that God speaks to us on a daily basis be it through the Bible, impressions, thoughts, dreams, prophecy, and so much more.  It led me to seek out these conversations everyday.  Like a treasure hunt, piecing together the message that He had for me that day.  Having been exposed to all the ways that our Father communicates with us, allowed me to dive into a deeper relationship with Him.  I had always thought that He spoke to us, but I felt that the Bible was really the only way the I could hear from Him.  I hadn't been given the gift of prophecy so actually hearing from Him was out of the question.  Or was it.

I have read it described by many people as a whisper or even your own voice, while others can't quite describe it.  After having but a handful of experiences, I can kind of agree with it all.  I have also decided that God has probably spoken to all of us many times over but we don't realize it at first because it can be so quiet or sound like your own voice that we often push it aside or just take it as our own.    

So if you agree with me that He speaks to us, than why?  Why did that certain scripture keep repeating itself to you today?  Or have you had a "feeling" that you should take a different way to work and realize later that a huge accident happened and the odds would have been high that you would have been involved or tangled up in the traffic from it.  Or you had a person come up to you and just give you a bit of encouragement when you were especially down and feeling defeated.   I have had all of those happen to me, many times over.  But again, why?  

We were created by a loving God for a specific purpose.  He spent all this time creating a world for us and putting each one of specifically here, at this moment, why would He not want to talk to us?  In our care group, we highlighted what we believed were the four core reasons God speaks: affection, direction, correction, and protection.  Easy enough, right?  Just like parents, when we raise our children we strive to protect them in all circumstances, we help guide them and chart a direction for their lives, we provide correction to teach them what is right, and of course, we shower them with our affection.  Our heavenly Father is the same.  

I have mentioned in another post about being directed  to "open the doors and let them in."  I have heard the voice of direction but a few times, and it is just that, direct and to the point.  Almost a command.  I don't know if it is the same for everyone else, but I know what to expect when He is calling me to action.  The second voice I have heard is the voice of correction.  Whether or not God has different voices I just don't know, but I felt that the approach was different. To me, that voice of correction was very gentle yet it grabbed me and I felt it in the core of my being.  It was a gentle whisper, and it caused me to take pause and reassess...there was no shame in it because I knew it was needed.  When relating the incident to a friend, I equated it to how [it is described when] Jesus spoke to Martha.  The gentle way he corrected her. 

Have you heard from God lately?  Are you purposefully listening?  God has a message for us, but it doesn't always come easily.  It's not waiting in your inbox or on your facebook feed (I understand that you can be encouraged that way, don't get me wrong) - but I think that to truly have a relationship with our Father, you must put in the time.  I don't mean logging a certain number of minutes in your Bible each day...but to make time to read and pray everyday.  To seek out His guidance and then look for it.  Tune out the distractions in life that can cloud our minds.  Be in communication with Him each day, He is listening and waiting.    

an undeniable sign

As I stated in my first ever blog post...there was an undeniable sign that pushed me to step out in faith  and believe that there was a reason for me to do this now.  After dragging my feet for years and pushing the positive/what-if thoughts away and allowing the doubts to creep in and take root, I took the sign that I begged for and was so graciously given.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart."  - Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

Some back story: I have been a full-time employed (outside of the home) working mom, I have been a part-time employed (outside of the home) working mom, and I have been a stay-at-home mom who tinkers on the side with side jobs, doing what I can to provide financially.  I am currently in that last category and had been doing a little bit of regular work for a former employer.  They recently offered the chance to continue, which really was an amazing and almost too perfect opportunity...but then summer came and I couldn't find a reliable sitter and we spoke of continuing in the fall once the oldest started school and I had but one little babe to worry about.  Well a few weeks into summer break I was able to nail down plans for the little one and spoke to my former employer and excitedly told them that I had childcare all covered and would be willing to start back up as soon as school started...then they back pedaled.  That morning I sat on the couch, the sting of rejection very fresh and real.  And I prayed (and cut out cow spots for dress like a cow day at chick-fil-a) and kept praying, well more or less talked to God, like He was sitting right beside me.  During this talk, the idea of a blog formed in my head, which due to my prior three attempts, I quickly pushed aside.  However, try as I might, the idea began to grow and I began to wonder what God could do with it.  I was in such a vulnerable spot, seeking to be used, wanting God's guidance in my life.  I still am.  I desire to follow God's plan...I know His path is what's best for me...but sometimes, I need really. big. road signs!  So I asked for a sign...in particular, for the friend that I would be seeing within the next hour (for our free chicken of course!) to say the word blog.  That was it.

I hate that my faith wavers and I feel that I need to ask for a sign.  I don't want to test God, it's like my brain is betting against my heart.  But I asked and then hurried up to get my little cows all dressed up and ready for a surprise lunch with friends.  While the kids were eating, we moms began to talk and in the midst of it all, she made a matter of fact statement, "if you would start your blog, I would read it."  So there is was, not just the word blog, but really a challenge.  I shook my head in disbelief and then kids were squealing and the moment was gone.  Later on that day I began to think on it and the doubt began to form...and continued to manifest for the next few days.  I doubted the honesty of the statement, not that she would not read it, she is true to her word and a beautiful friend to me, but more that I pulled it out of her.  I had been talking about a mom blog/Instagram that I follow earlier in our conversation which led to me talking about kinda being awestruck when I met her the weekend before.  I felt that I had lined the topics up and began to discredit what God had done.  I felt like Gideon...wanting to test God again and say, well do it again, but this time have it be a random person I do not know give me that same nugget of encouragement.  

A few days passed and still uncertain of what had all conspired, I dove in to this blog world, led by faith.  The afternoon was a perfect and super constructive blur.  We swam and had lunch by the pool with friends, came home, kids went to quiet time, I made a salad, opened the computer, and prayed.  The words flowed quickly out of me.  My heart just opened up and my fingers flew across the keyboard.  The post was raw and uncut and definitely not one I would be posting first.  I then went about setting up a blogger page...made a cover image, changed the layout a little and was done.  Before closing up for the afternoon, I compiled an email to that friend...explained what had really happened that afternoon, what roll she had played in a part of my life that is currently being written, how God had used her.  I included the post and sought her feedback, and what she sent me back that evening was full of such wisdom, encouragement and beautiful poise...which honestly, is what I would use to describe her.  

She told me that signs can be very blatant and the destination is clear, while others are inconspicuous and are the first of many down a long narrow and winding road that you must take to get to a destination not yet known.  She also spoke of God's wisdom in the timing of things and the fact the He is a relational God and that is what we should also strive for...relationships.  But it was really her final words that brought clarity and understanding and tears...she told me that she believes that God is fashioning my heartbeat to match His, that my dreams were coming from His dreams, and to run with it.  How beautiful is that to think about...to have dreams and desires and know that those just might be the same ones that our Father has for you as well.  I encourage you to ask God today or tomorrow or this week, to help align your will to His...that His dreams will become your dreams...and that you will have the faith to see yourself as He sees you.  

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."        - Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

so long summer life

As I sit here cleaning up from breakfast my littles are squealing and giggling up the stairs and I suddenly find myself sitting on the chair with tears streaming down my face.  Today is the last day of summer break and while many parents are ready for the next year to begin, I am not.  It went by too fast and my summer to-do list is not yet done.  I also ache for the sisterly bond that has been strengthened all summer...two little girls who have spent every day together playing, arguing and sometimes crying, but mostly playing.  My home has been and filled with laughter...very loud laughter and I am not ready to see it end.  With school comes the rush of life. We have a strict schedule to keep to make sure lunches are made, breakfast is eaten and we make it to school before the final bell.  The afternoons are filled with homework and prep for the next day.  We have held off any extracurricular activities so far because I just can't see how to fit them in and still have time for family dinner and playtime.  However, I think that in the near future it may all change and I'll have to adapt...rework my expectations.  And then before we know it, bath and bedtime and my home is quiet again.

As a mom I am excited to see my kids grow and to watch them learn but it is really hard sometimes.  I feel that the years are speeding up...sleepless nights with an infant didn't seem to pass too quickly...but this, this good stuff (frustration and discipline included) seems to fly by.  When I think of what will determine if I have been a successful parent, one of the main things is the relationship that my girls will have with one another.  More than anything I desire them to be able to appreciate one another for their strengths and differences.  To know that when the world may be crumbling around them, that besides God, they have someone who will be there and will help see them through.  To know that when they accomplish a goal...there is someone cheering them on and supporting them along the way. To know that they will always have a friend.

I think that one of the best things that we have done as parents is to have give our oldest a sibling (I am not in anyway saying that two kids is the best number, you have to do what is best for your family and your situation).  We always planned on having at least two...we wanted that built in playmate and having siblings ourselves, we knew that we wanted it for our kids too.  I have found that having more than one kid in the house has helped us all learn important skills that in turn create great character.  Sharing/taking turns is the obvious one...my oldest is great at giving and the youngest is currently learning.  As parents we have gleaned our sharing skills as well...we have to share our time and attention and occasionally the last cookie and do so with joy and love.  Compassion has also been an important byproduct of siblings, both our kids have really grasped this one, which blesses this mom's heart.  When one gets hurt, the other rushes to their side to console them and get an ice pack. Sometimes a hug from their sister does more than mommy's kisses.  Kindness and unconditional love is a given...they know that no matter what, we are a family and this is who you will be there for you.  And then there is the art of getting along...this skill will help them in life undoubtedly. We have all been in situations when we have to work with someone we'd rather not...sisters sometimes get this way too, especially as they age and develop their own likes and dislikes and make their own friends. Regardless, I think that it is important for our kids to be able to overcome that and still get along.  When we have a bad day we cannot just ignore the responsibilities of life, these little ones are learning by our actions and we are growing too as we master these same traits that we are trying to instill.  

I feel that becoming a mom has rearranged my priorities and made ME a better person. There were times in my life when I know that I was too selfish with my time and definitely too lazy.  I think back to my years before kids and wonder what I did with all my weekends and afternoons...I wonder what good I could have done had I changed my focus and softened my heart then.  If I had sacrificed some of my time and allowed my relationship with Jesus to blossom then...perhaps the early years of marriage and motherhood may have been different.  But that was then, and this is now and I know that this current life is where God wants me.  I know motherhood isn't for everyone and some days I still struggle, but having these girls around has helped me grow and become more dependent on Him.  And hopefully, along the way, I can be an encouragement to someone else.

So as the sun sets tonight and the house grows quiet, I'll stop and watch my girls sleep and think about our summer and smile at the memories.  It was a hard day last year when summer ended...I can still remember the look on Hazel's face as we sent Juliet off to school and she had to get back in the car with me by herself. Her sweet little face was sad, confused and missing her sissy (as she calls her).  I wiped my own tears out of sight and thought to myself, me too kid...me too.