still waiting.

As I sat praying, I couldn't ignore what was bubbling up inside of me.  The nudge to pick up the metaphorical pen again...to continue what has been stirring inside of me for years...yet the words that were coming to mind seemed so familiar.  I've had this talk with God before...yet here I am again, apparently in need of a refresher.

I can't remember a time that I wasn't impatient about something.  Often it's about the things that I somehow think that I can control, not things that are definite and given to happen (i.e. holidays, events).  I am also a perfectionist and driven by pleasing others and hearing/seeing their praise. At thirty years old some would think that I should have moved past this and matured...unfortunately for those around me...I think that I have only gotten worse.  Now that the I am more of a full-time mom and in the workforce sporadically, I find that I am seeking praise and approval more and that my self esteem is shrinking.  I used to be driven to create these large scale events and serve the public; where the success of my events were noted in the number of people who attended and the thank-yous that would be relayed by staff.  It's hard to feel successful when the fruits of my labor may not be seen until my kids have matured and are on their own, going off to college, entering the workforce, starting their own families, etc. 

In my search for filling the void that the workforce has left behind, I find myself trying lots of things out, more or less throwing a bunch of things at a wall and seeing what will stick.  I am a maker, so I have participated in craft shows and listed things on etsy.  I have taught crafting classes to groups of women.  I have bought into a MLM company and tried my hand at sales.  I make cakes for friends and family when the need arises.  But nothing has really "stuck."   I find myself searching for that internet illusion...the mom that breaks through and creates a successful enterprise from her garage.  at naptime.  While I know that there are some self-made moms (and dads, teens, women, etc) out there, I think that the availability of so much information via the internet/facebook is causing people (or maybe just me) to feel inadequate in their own abilities.  I feel like a failure if my posts don't generate any comments, if my Instagram pictures don't get the number of likes that I think they should, if my sales are less than ideal, if my numbers are no where close to those that I see so many of my peers hitting.  I find that I am becoming discouraged and impatient and thus quitting many ventures because I wasn't successful from the onset. 

I look at this person that I have become and am ashamed.  These are not the character traits that I wish to instill in my daughters.  I know that this isn't a trait that my husband finds attractive.  And what does this say about my faith.  I felt the Lord speak to me, He gave me direction, and I wavered.  When I think back to what He said...it was never about success, I added that part in. 

So I will push through.

I know that He has a plan for my life.  A plan that looks much better that the one drawn up in my head.  I have prayed again and again to make that path clear for me.  Perhaps the only reason I am drawn to write, is to preach to myself and in doing that I am obedient to the Father and thus drawn closer to Him, then that will be enough.